golden dart

the grief with the almosts

I have that’s life playing in the background,

frank sinatra speaking words that feel like the truth

tears sit at the forefront,

your words stung like a bee,

drizzled my heart in wine,

numbed out by shock

sometimes it doesn’t work out,

sometimes no one’s at fault,

you can equally be a good person and an avoidant,

sometimes it’s easier to let go than to grow,

easier to avoid the change,

easier to get to know others

but know this,

you were enough,

you are enough,

all those overthinking nights,

all those stressful times,

from me,

from you

i felt it,

you felt it

that fear of not being enough

but you were enough for me,

enough for you

the constant freeze you slipped into,

the not knowing what to say,

how to say it,

where to begin

it’s a closure of doors,

another piece to our story,

that you chose,

that you spoke

i don’t want to shut the door yet,

i don’t want to say goodbye

it’s sad,

it’s grief,

it sucks

but it’s also okay

it never really began,

never truly started,

it could have,

it would have

was my intuition wrong?

did I make it up all in my head?

there was something there wasn’t there?

maybe it wasn’t enough,

maybe it was too intense,

i’m sad,

but grateful,

and thankful

let me be for now,

let me find ways to move on from you again,

i’d want nothing more to talk,

and in time there could be answers,

there could be truths,

the words you wanted to speak,

too scared to say,

too unsure what it would mean

the feelings you wanted to feel,

the ones that shine a light on whats going on in your heart

but maybe i’ll never know,

and as you move

and as you keep going,

just know i cared,

(still care)

know i tried,

(to show up without fear)

know i saw you and thought you were enough

it’s okay,

i’m not bitter,

i’m just sad,

you are like a golden dart in the felt of black,

impossible to miss,

impossible to forget

you were the rare patterned football no one expects to find,

something unique in the world full of black and white sameness

you were the white ball on a pool table,

the only one around,

with life,

with motion,

with something different in your core

i really saw it,

i saw you,

i thought we could have a fresh start,

a new view,

a new beginning,

it’s hard to see past you

but it’s okay,

it’s okay.

you’ve been part of my life story,

maybe one day our paths will cross again,

not as almosts,

not as lessons,

but simply as two people,

finally ready,

i’ll always hope good things find you

all my love,

love emm xxxx