under the night sky
when the music kept on playing
Last weekend,
i was out with souls who feel like warmth,
the kind of people that make the world feel softer,
and like you’re sitting on fairy floss
only affirmations of love,
only belly laughs until our faces turned red,
like we had nowhere else to be,
and for a while i let myself sink into it all,
but there came a moment
where i had to leave them dancing,
leave the noise,
leave the crowd,
leave the comfort of being surrounded
so i sat outside on my own,
to let my thoughts become clearer
it’s not like anything was wrong,
or that i was lonely,
but because something inside me was wanting to be heard,
and wanting to show up
i let the thoughts come through,
where you need to bring out your phone and write down the words
as carrie bradshaw says;
“And as for me, I decided instead of running away from the idea of a life alone, I’d better sit down and take that fear to lunch. So, I sat there and had a glass of wine, alone”
it felt like i had this moment,
it felt like i finally understood what she meant
i’ve often had this in other times,
when i take myself out for lunch,
sitting in cafes with my journal next to chai,
walking slowly looking at the flowers around me,
learning how to enjoy my own company,
learning how to love me
but that night hit differently,
jolted me awake,
and i realised,
almost like a movie plot,
in the scene where the main character
stops searching around the room for reassurance
and goes inwards
maybe the answers were never in the room,
but in the moments
where you sit long enough to listen
because when the music kept playing without me,
when the laughter and singing echoed from inside,
when it was just me
and the frosty night air,
with the shimmering stars above,
and the thoughts that caught up to me,
i still felt whole,
i still felt like me
not unfinished,
not flawed,
not waiting for someone to arrive
and make my life feel complete
just certain,
just enough
there is softness in all of this,
to hold your own hand through life,
to take yourself out for coffee,
to dance when no one is watching,
to romanticise the world around you,
to become someone that you love with your whole heart
maybe that is what freedom is,
no longer fearing your own company,
no longer fearing your deepest darkest thoughts,
i realised that night,
that i’d be okay on my own,
more than okay
for the first time,
it wasn’t heavy anymore,
and quite frankly
it hadn’t been for a very long time
it was coming home
lots of love,
love emm xxxxxx